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Humorous and educational.....
2014-03-05, 07:37
Post: #1
Humorous and educational.....
1 The nicest thing about the future is . . .
that it always starts tomorrow.
2 Money will buy a fine dog . . .
but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3 If you don't have a sense of humor . . .
you probably don't have any sense at all.
4 Seat belts are not as confining . . .
as wheelchairs.
5 A good time to keep your mouth shut is . . .
when you're in deep water.
6 How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark . . .
to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7 Business conventions are important . . .
because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
8 Why is it that at class reunions . . .
you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9 Scratch a cat (or dog) . . .
and you will have a permanent job.
10 No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy (or girl) . . .
who wants to buy a car.
11 There are no new sins . . .
the old ones just get more publicity.
12 There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m. . . .
like, it could be the right number.
13 No one ever says "It's only a game" . . .
when their team is winning.
14 I've reached the age where . . .
'happy hour' is a nap.
15 Be careful about reading the fine print . . .
there's no way you're going to like it.
16 The trouble with bucket seats is that . . .
not everybody has the same size bucket.
17 Do you realize that, in about 40 years . . .
we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
(And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)*
18 Money can't buy happiness . . .
but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than a Corolla.
19 After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint . . .
you're probably dead.
20 Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind . . .
and the ones that mind don't matter.
21 Life isn't tied with a bow . . .
but it's still a gift.

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2014-03-05, 08:25
Post: #2
RE: Humorous and educational.....
Here's a couple I like:

It looks good from a far, but far from good

If it were not for low class, you'd have no class at all. Big Grin

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2014-03-05, 13:15
Post: #3
RE: Humorous and educational.....
A good collection. To busy to cherry pick.

How to sail: Point boat where you want to go; pull in sails until they stop flapping; if sails are still flapping chose another direction. Paraphrased from Bos'un Bruce Hector.

It's not healthy to eat too much, but the thing about food is, well, it's delicious. Janice Marois.

How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue, and then you add eggs and sugar and get cake? What happens to the glue? You know the answer already: that's what makes the cake stick to your butt.

For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone. Audrey Hepburn.

Going to the grocery store just isn't a priority when the fate of a fictional character in a book is hanging in the balance.

Don't sweat the small stuff. It's all small stuff. Marois proverb.

Luxury, real luxury, is spending an entire day reading a good book, or enjoying the companionship of someone you love, or marveling underwater at the colors of tropical fish. And knowing you can do the same tomorrow if you want to, and the day after.

The past gives us experience and memories; the present gives us challenges and opportunities; the future gives us vision and hope. William Arthur Ward. Journalist.

The world is moving so fast these days that the man who says it can't be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it. Elbert Hubbard, philosopher, author, publisher. 1856-1915.

To dream is to see beyond the horizon and to know we are capable of anything our heart desires.

Do you know the difference between a beautiful woman and a charming one? A beauty is a woman you notice, a charmer is a one who notices you. Adlai Stevenson.

Whatever your dreams are, work now to make them happen.

It's sad beyond measure when a fellow is forced to give up his dream because of health issues.

Men gather wealth to them, and measure their worth by what they have accumulated. Women are nurturing, so we fix our value by what we can give or share with others.

A man will spend $2 for a $1 item he wants, while a woman will spend $1 for a $2 item she doesn't want.

Government is not reason; it is not eloquent; it is force. Like fire, it is a dangerous servant and a fearful master. George Washington.

Regarding allowances, back when I was a kidlet I had to clean up after our saber-toothed cat and sweep the mammoth hair off the floor of the cave; I received 10 cents a week. Anna W. on PBS, paraphrased.

Experience is the name given mistakes, after you've survived the event.

Vegetarian - an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter'. Andy Rooney.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

If you would not be forgotten as soon as you're dead and rotten, either write things worth
reading or do things worth the writing. Benjamin Franklin.

Cold cure: At midday, look at the sun: If it is south of you, you are in the northern hemisphere and should set a generally southern course, whereas if it is north of you, you are in the southern hemisphere and should set a generally northern course. Repeat each 24 hours until the butter melts. Weyalan on CruisersForum.

It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else. Erma Bombeck.

Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass... it's about learning how to dance in the rain.

When we switched from a doing society to a being society, we switched from heroes to celebrities. Heroes serve society, celebrities serve themselves. Joseph Campbell.

He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has. Epictetus.

I've found that nothing keeps me alert quite like a healthy fear of death. Sisko on StarTrek.

A boat repo man advocates making the boat distinctive so it can easily be located in case of theft or an emergency.

All I want is a bigger bladder so I can sleep later.

A-1 - Lloyds of London originally used this term in their shipping registry. Ships were graded by letter, and their cargo by number. "A" - ship perfect. "1" - cargo perfect.

Trying to beat storms instead of waiting to go in behind them is analogous to having a boat race with the devil.

Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is to not stop questioning. Albert Einstein.

I want to live in Theory. Everything works there.

My diet can be summarized by saying: "If it's edible, I am not supposed to eat it." Thomas Sowell.

You were born under the sign of Pistachio... the nut. Jackie Gleason in the Honeymooner's Game.

I asked Mom if I was a gifted child... she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.

Only a biker knows why a dog sticks his head out of a car window.

Children will soon forget your presents; they will always remember your presence.

The day after Thanksgiving begins the Christmas shopping season. Millions of Americans will peruse the aisles looking for that hard to find item. A helpful store clerk. Alan Ray.

A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.

A man convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still. Edmond J. Marois.

If you've never run aground, you've never been anywhere.

Whenever a bird carps on my boat, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs in my cockpit just to let them know what I'm capable of.

At one point in the 14th and 15th centuries, only 5-10% of the learned community believed the earth was round. I am not saying I am right. I am saying I'm not necessarily wrong.

If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog. Harry Truman, former President.

My last husband often said I was married to my boat. Before we married (the husband, not the boat) I told him that if he ever made me choose between him and my boat that I would always choose my boat. Either he thought I was kidding, or there is more proof that men don't listen to women. ShipShape on Sailnet.

If women have excessive belly fat and a muffin-top, it can be fatal. Especially if you mention it to her. Jay Leno.

Male Menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. But, with male menopause, you get to date young women and drive motorcycles.

I used to wonder what it'd be like to read other people's minds; then I got a Facebook account, and now I'm over it.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

He is happiest, be he king or peasant, who finds peace in his home. Goethe.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think 'Well, that's not going to happen.'

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

There are two kinds of men who never amount to much: those who cannot do what they are told and those who can do nothing else. Cyrus H. Curtis, 1850-1933.

I don't care what you think about me. I don't think about you at all. Coco Chanel.

We know what December sees in May (youth, gaiety) and May is going to expect Christmas in December. (regarding May/December relationships)

When you think all is lost, the future remains.

More than once, after I woke up some morning feeling like I was 20 again, I did something that ended up with me on crutches or otherwise being reminded emphatically by my body that I was definitely not 20 again. Women may lie about their age to other people, but men lie about their age to themselves. Thomas Sowell.

Experience is something I always think I have enough of until I get more.

Creating a happy home is a matter of attitude far more than finances. Janice Marois.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth of the hole.

For every person with a spark of genius, there are a hundred with ignition trouble. Glenn A. Colemen.

As long as women have curves, men will have angles.

A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is a man who hopes they are. Chauncey Mitchell Depew.

Creativity is intelligence having fun. Albert Einstein.

Catfish naturally have an odd number of whiskers.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

Only two sailors, in my experience, never ran aground. One never left port and the other was an atrocious liar. Don Bamford.

Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. It's your inner child playing with matches.

Bookworms will rule the world, as soon as we finish one more chapter.

A truly happy person can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Creating a happy home is a matter of attitude far more than finances. Janice Marois.

My uncle used to sleep in a chandelier; he was a light sleeper.

A smart man learns from his mistakes, a wise man learns from the mistakes of others.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves. Rodney Dangerfield.

Keep in mind that it doesn't have to be perfect, and instead think, "how bad does it have to be for it not to work?" Rudy Sechez.

My friend is taking a blind date to a Halloween party. He said he hopes that when the masks come off, things don't get ugly.

Begin doing what you want to now. We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand, and melting like a snowflake. Marie Beyon Ray.

People who drink to drown their sorrow should be told that sorrow knows how to swim. Ann Landers.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

If you are what you eat, then I only wanna eat the good stuff. Ratatouille, by Disney.

For all who are convinced that your cat truly loves you, try to remember that, if you were to magically shrink to a size just smaller than your pet, the feline of your dreams would kill and eat you. Gil Ross, Attorney.

Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

If a messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, some kitchens are delirious.

We cannot see the future nor change the past. We can only live in the now with an eye towards gaining enough power in the future to wreck revenge on everyone who ever screwed us in the past.

The ideal boat sleeps two, feeds four and parties six.

Computers have enabled people to make more mistakes faster than almost any invention in history, with the possible exception of tequila and handguns. Carl Gundlach.

I will charge nothing but the promise that you help the next person you find in trouble.

There are no single mosquitoes. They are all married, with children.

Done is better than unfinished and waiting/planning for perfection. Janice Marois.

No matter how wealthy you become, you'll never have enough money to buy back the weekends lost working. Dick Bradley. Motor Boating & Sailing Magazine.

I don't mind going anywhere as long as it's an interesting path.

Boat Math: Start with a list of 10 projects, finish 8, and find yourself with only 15 projects left. Boat Projects have a definite kinship with rabbits.

Good enough and done is better than waiting/planning for perfection later. Janice Marois.

Happiness is created when we are free to think and feel deeply, simply enjoy life, to overcome boundaries, and, to be needed. Janice Marois.

I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.

We are never so generous as when giving advice. Francois de la Rochefoucauld.

Forget health food. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.

The most important time to help someone is when they need it. Dave Marinaccio.

When the coffee is hot, and the talk is good, and the feeling is easy, and the laughter is light, and the memories are many, but the time is too short, you know you are with a friend. Ann Landers.

Begin doing what you want to now. We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our
hand, and melting like a snowflake. Marie Beyon Ray.

A good deed is like a pebble thrown into a pool of water. The ripples spread far beyond the point of impact. Dear Abby by her daughter Pauline Phillips.

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2014-03-05, 13:32
Post: #4
RE: Humorous and educational.....
Salty wrote a really good one on this forum the other day:

Quote:I have never learned a thing from someone that I agree with 100%.

I thought that was very good!

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2014-03-05, 16:27
Post: #5
RE: Humorous and educational.....
The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence - but it still needs cutting. Anon

Nothing travels faster than light, apart from bad news, which obeys it's own laws. Douglas Adams

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2014-03-05, 20:29
Post: #6
RE: Humorous and educational.....
1. In my many years I have come to a
conclusion that one useless man
is a shame, two is a law firm,
and three or more is a congress.
-- John Adams

3. Suppose you were an idiot. And
suppose you were a member of
Congress. But then I repeat
myself. -- Mark Twain

4. I contend that for a nation to try to
tax itself into prosperity is like a
man standing in a bucket and
trying to lift himself up by the
handle. --Winston Churchill

5. A government which robs Peter to
pay Paul can always depend on
the support of Paul. -- George
Bernard Shaw

6. A liberal is someone who feels a
great debt to his fellow man,
which debt he proposes to pay off
with your money. -- G. Gordon

7. Democracy must be something
more than two wolves and a sheep
voting on what to have for
dinner. --James Bovard, Civil
Libertarian (1994)

8. Foreign aid might be defined as a
transfer of money from poor
people in rich countries to rich
people in poor countries.
-- Douglas Case,
Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University .

9. Giving money and power to
government is like giving whiskey
and car keys to teenage boys.
-- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

10. Government is the great fiction,
through which everybody
endeavors to live at the expense
of everybody else. -- Frederic
Bastiat, French economist(1801-1850)

11. Government's view of the
economy could be summed up
in a few short phrases: If it
moves, tax it. If it keeps
moving, regulate it. And if it
stops moving, subsidize it.
--Ronald Reagan (1986)

12. I don't make jokes. I just watch
the government and report the
facts. -- Will Rogers

13. If you think health care is
expensive now, wait until you
see what it costs when it's free!
-- P. J. O'Rourke

14. In general, the art of government
consists of taking as much
money as possible from one
party of the citizens to give to
the other. --Voltaire (1764)

15. Just because you do not take an
interest in politics doesn't mean
politics won't take an interest
in you! -- Pericles (430 B.C.)

16. No man's life, liberty, or
property is safe while the
legislature is in session.
-- Mark Twain (1866)

17. Talk is cheap, except when
Congress does it. -- Anonymous

18. The government is like a baby's
alimentary canal, with a happy
appetite at one end and no
responsibility at the other.
-- Ronald Reagan

19. The inherent vice of capitalism is
the unequal sharing of the
blessings. The inherent blessing
of socialism is the equal sharing
of misery. -- Winston Churchill

20. The only difference between a
tax man and a taxidermist is that
the taxidermist leaves the skin.
-- Mark Twain

21. The ultimate result of shielding
men from the effects of folly is
to fill the world with fools.
-- Herbert Spencer, English
Philosopher (1820-1903)

22. There is no distinctly Native
American criminal class, save
Congress. -- Mark Twain

23. What this country needs are
more unemployed politicians
--Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

24. A government big enough to give
you everything you want, is
strong enough to take everything
you have. -- Thomas Jefferson

25. We hang the petty thieves and
appoint the great ones to public
office. -- Aesop

1. You cannot legislate the poor into
prosperity, by legislating the
wealthy out of prosperity.

2. What one person receives without
working for, another person must
work for without receiving.

3. The government cannot give to
anybody anything that the
government does not first take
from somebody else.

4. You cannot multiply wealth by
dividing it.

5. When half of the people get the
idea that they do not have to
work, because the other half is
going to take care of them, and
when the other half gets the idea
that it does no good to work
because somebody else is going to
get what they work for, that is the
beginning of the end of any nation!

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2014-03-05, 22:50
Post: #7
RE: Humorous and educational.....
Some girls are bigger than others
- Morrissey
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2014-03-05, 23:11
Post: #8
RE: Humorous and educational.....
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just f--- off and leave me alone.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.

The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any.

Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Remember, no-one is listening until you fart.

Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments

Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Have you ever lent someone £20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreen.

Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse. From there on in, life gets worse

The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.

Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know.

- Maharishi Phucknuckel
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2014-03-05, 23:12
Post: #9
RE: Humorous and educational.....
(2014-03-05 13:15)SaltyDog Wrote:  A good collection. To busy to cherry pick.

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

PMSL.....and chips with tomato sauce!!!

Why do people say "Grow some Balls"?
Balls are weak and sensitive!
If you really want to get tough,grow a vagina!
Those things take a pounding!
-Betty White.


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